Anyone can be annoying at any given day but in places like a theatre or a library (yes, second priority), they’ll drive you nuts. It’s impossible to keep shushing people when you’re focusing all your energy to dive out of the movie scene in the first place. So, if you’re one of them in the list below, would you be so kind?
Literal Reverse Flash
Do you know the amount of collective anger that prevails in your hall when you arrive after the door has been closed, all the ads have finished playing and the lights have been dimmed? No. Because the only people who have the audacity to do that are the ones who want to watch the whole world burn. Two things simultaneously destroy the whole experience – a) They can’t search for their seats in the dark and b) They will indefinitely switch on their flashlight.
How does karma work so mysteriously? Somehow, the guy sitting next to you buys a large tub of popcorn and completely blocks all the essential movie dialogues. The salty aroma of the popcorn is another distraction all for itself but is it really important to eat something so crunchy inside a theatre? What’s worse than your neighbour crunching near your ear, you ask? The whole theatre just unanimously resonating at the same crunching frequency after the interval. It’s unimaginable and stupid but it happens.
The one with the straws
Is it quintessential to sip a cold drink through a straw? Or do you just do it for the fun of it, in a dark hall, with 200 more people and absolute silence. I don’t understand why people have to slurp that last drop of the drink so violently that it might break the fourth wall. It’s very annoying and you have to stop doing it. Please?
Gossip Girl/Man Baby
What is more annoying – someone talking or someone talking and giggling about some random story in their otherwise interesting life while watching a movie in a theatre? It’s 100% legit if you’re at home but not in a theatre, please! And for the love of all Gods, never use the phrase “This movie sucks bro”. It’s very distracting and nerve gripping, and might also be one of the reasons which make me want to reenact a scene from American Psycho, I’m sorry.
No, you hang up * 200
Sometimes, even I forget to switch off my phone. But that doesn’t give me the power to attend any call that I receive! There are some people who don’t mind tagging along a conversation over the phone in the middle of a war movie. How is that even possible? There’s no sense of judgement left at all and we’re left to be the victims who can do nothing but roll eyes, and pray that someone is courageous enough to politely ask them to hang up.
Whatsapp addiction level 9000
Do people forget they’re watching a movie and start texting someone right smack in the middle of the world’s best fight sequence? It’s completely understandable if you don’t appreciate the movie because we all have different genre weaknesses, but it is unacceptable to use that as a privilege and use your phone even if it’s at 0% brightness level. It’s 200% dark and the relative light is enough for the hulk transformation.
I don’t have anything against babies except when they’re inside a movie theatre. It’s cold, dark and infested with people sitting arm to arm. That is definitely not the ideal place to go when you have a baby. Poor thing, he doesn’t even know why he’s been trapped while his mom cries out of joy when her favourite actor smiles on the big screen. Any crowded place is a no-no for babies because who knows what might trigger them!
Freaks and Geeks
This is a subset of people talking in theatres but it deserves it’s own space. You know people who know a lot, a lot of information that they feel the urge to puke it on you? It’s actually a beautiful feeling and real fun to watch these geeks tell you stuff you have no idea about but not in your ear during a deep and motivational scene. It’s bad juju. I don’t recommend such high level puking especially during a 3D movie because you’re already immersed in the beauty of it. Extra information can wait!
This is a target for those who watch a movie more than once in a theatre. I’m a big fan of this holy ritual but it comes with great responsibilities. You don’t go saying things like – “She slaps him” or “He dies in the next scene” during the heat of the moment. It’s shunned and you will be beaten up. People need to accept that it’s not a home theatre they’re sitting in and it’s not advisable to act macho using this technique because you’ll get slapped by some other girl, if not for your friend.
Little Miss Whine-A-Lot
“Why is it so cold”, “These 3D glasses are real?”, “This seat sucks. Who booked our tickets?”, “God, annoying people at the theatre” and the list is endless. You cannot argue with these statements because chances are that all of them are true and you’ll only nod along. I think I fall in this category because I wrote a list about it. I’m deeply sorry.
Written by - Sajida Ayyup